Sosa, & Tiger, & Christmas...OH MY!!!

Well hello there. Everytime I start writing one of these blogs, I feel like I'm standing in front of an A.A. group....Hello, my name is Todd, & it's been....3 minutes since my last drink. But in this case it's been 35 days since i last made you cry with laughter. Many things have happened since I last spoke with you. See my ramblings below on a few things that I found extremely newsworthy.


I have been unemployed since the beginning of November. I have spent my time arguing with the State of Illinois on when my benefits will be approved, playing numerous hours of XBox 360, I did a load of laundry & vaccumed last week, I've had meaningful conversations with my wife & dog, & have discovered there are a ton of job sites that tell me I am not qualified for anything they have to offer. I have taken my created player on NHL 10 to the 1st Line with the Chicago Blackhawks & have beaten Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2...twice. As you can see, i've been very busy & productive....hence the lapse in blog entries.

Former Texas Ranger, Baltimore Oriole, Chicago Cub & White Sox, and Texas Ranger again, Sammy Sosa was recently spotted in Las Vegas looking very different from the last time you may have seen him. Apparently he applied some kind of skin ointment to himself. When the instructions say apply liberally, it doesn't mean, apply 4 coats. That's all I have to say about this fraud of a human being.


Speaking of frauds. In this case, a new found fraud. Tiger Woods has recently crashed his shiny new Cadillac Escalade. It happened over Thanksgiving weeknd at the time of 2:30 AM. Apparently Tiger backed his car into a fire hydrant & then drove into a tree. Reports of affairs began to surface as did reports of domestic violence between Tiger & his hot wife, Elin. Elin smashed out the window of the Escalade, with a golf club, to get Tiger out. Reports say Tiger was in & out of conciousness. I'm guessing it was because Tiger has a divot in his head from the 4 iron Elin used to tee off on him with...thank god she doesnt have a slice...or worse yet, a snap hook. Tiger was eventually treated & released from a local hospital & has shut the Florida Highway Patrol out. I'm guessing he has the "yips" with law enforcement.

The second woman, who just recently surfaced, has said she can prove that her & Tiger have had an affair because his penis "dog legs to the left." Also, one of Tiger's main sponsor's, Gatorade, is reconsidering its slogan, "Is it in you?"

Now, I'm not saying that Tiger has been cheating on his wife...oh hell, yes I am. Though all of this does give new meaning to the golf term, "balls in the trap"

Finally, the holiday season is upon us once again & those of you who know me well, know that I dont necessarily hate this time of year, but I can only take it in small doses....very small doses. For example, in past blogs I've spoke about how decorations get put up too early by the Christmas zealots. There is, of course, the fact that children should be locked up immediatley following Thanksgiving dinner & then released on Christmas Morning to play with their toys. Then you have the stores advertising TV's you can buy for $5.

Besides the obvious things that everyone sees for the Christmas Holiday, there is one thing I noticed that really irked me...no, it pissed me off. The TV Channel, ABC Family, had something called the "25 Day Countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas." Now what he hell is that?!?!?!? I actually tuned in to see what this was all about & I didn't see one show on ABC Family during this stupid promotion that had to do with Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or the f'n Solstice!!!! Though I did catch a few episodes of Gilmore Girls. I love Lauren Graham, who played Lorelei. Is there not one original idea left in Hollywood?!?!?!

And with this being the holiday season, here is a small dose of holiday cheer from me. Click the link & enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzMUxMp1ndk

It also wouldnt be the holiday season with Cousin Eddie.

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Cutting a Rug, The Tanner's, Ho's, & Air Mail

Long time, no talk. After some nudging & general crying by people who read & enjoy my blog, here is my next installment. Tell a friend & enjoy...

Have you noticed how many dancing shows have surfaced on T.V.? There is "Dancing With the Stars", "So You Think You Can Dance", & some other pile of crap dancing show that no heterosexual person would watch. While flipping through the guide the other day, I was thinking that shows like this could use some sprucing up & came up with the following ideas. Let me know what you think. How about, "Dancing With A Jiggly Fat Guy" or perhaps "Dance With Me, Or I'll Punch You In The Face"? Myself or Kevin James would star in the Fat Guy installment & you could have Steven Segal star in the latter. In fact, Segal could star in both. Until I figure out how to post a video, please click this link & let the hilarity ensue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-67Xt5R8DY

Fat Elvis??? No, Steven Segal. He'll sit on you.

So Jodie Sweetin, Stephanie Tanner from TV's Full House, recently admitted...again...that she is/was a Meth & Cocaine addict. In fact, she was ripped out of her mind giving "Say No To Drugs" lectures to the youth of America. I really dont see the news in this, but if I had to spend most of my childhood with Dave Coulier, I'd be hooked on something too. Maybe not Meth or Cocaine, but at least Whip-It's or something.

From fuzzy little dolls to hard-core drugs & giant boobs

I went out for dinner this past Saturday with my wife, my parents, and my sister & brother in law to a great Italian restaurant in the Chicago suburbs. If you are ever in the Chicago area, try Mia Francesca's. They have locations in the city & in the burbs & the menu changes every 2 weeks. While dining on the delicious pork chops I ordered, I happened to notice a bevy of blondes, brunettes, & redheads prance by every couple of minutes. Now these weren't your average looking girls, they were the girls that would put every man in jail. It was one of the local high schools homecomings...or as I dubbed it, "Pimp's Up Ho's Down." Can somebody please tell me when highschool girls suddenly began to look like they were 21 years old?

Don't stare to long, or you're headed to jail.

The cops are on their way. To the pokey, for you!

Have you ever realized how ridiculous some of the items are in the 'Sky Mall' magazine you see on every airline? While travelling home from Los Angeles recently, I almost fell out of my seat in amazement as to how anyone can bring themselves to purchase some of these items. Some of the items that should have never been brought to the attention of the consumer are....


The Inspirational Chocolate Bar - buy somebody a Hershey Bar if they need encouragement. Not a piece of chocolate that says "Dream Big". Chocolate is meant to be eaten, not displayed proudly on someones desk.


Truck Antlers - "You might be a redneck if..."


Any Medical Device - You get this from your doctor, not a magazine at 36,000 feet!!!!


Wine/Beer Glasses - Anything of the alcholic variety should never be near a pilot of an aircraft. They may overshoot the runway by 150 miles.


Harry Potter's Wand - You lose your parachute if you look at this page for more than 3 seconds.


"Sanicare" Travel Bidet (buh-day) - You've got to be kidding me!!! Though if you're stranded in the desert it would come in handy to quench your thirst.


Underwater Cell Phone - The caption reads, "Have you ever wanted to make or receive a phone call underwater?" Your answer should be NO, because you're trying to not be the next meal for a giant squid. In fact, the person on the other end of the phone should have the power to cut off your oxygen supply.

The travel bidet (buh-day)Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Toddjewski5150

Fantasy Sports, Reverse Racism, & Decorations

While enjoying a bowl of Special K cereal on Sunday morning, i turn on the TV to get a little football pregame. I then quickly realize that I need to adjust my fantasy team, creativley titled "Wax On, Wax Off", because I have some guys coming off the injury report & some other guys on bye this week. After adjusting things for total domination this week, I begin to think that I am getting too old for this. It is becoming a nuisance & I care less & less about it. Those of you in fantasy sports leagues, answer this for me...when you reach a certain age, should you stop playing fantasy sports?

Playing fantasy sports can make you touch yourself more, smile like a horse, and leave you with less than the given amount of fingers.

I was in a grocery store this week to pick up some Pepsi, lunchmeat, & bananas. While walking through the store and browsing at other things that I wanted, I decide to cut through the cereal aisle to get to the lunchmeat area. Well, that really wasnt't a good decision. There was a rather large black woman rifling through various boxes of cereal impeding my progression to get to my lunchmeat. I say, "excuse me", very politley, and I get this response, "I'll be just a minute", which was not said nearly as politley as me. I then say, "well I dont have a minute" and move her cart approximatley one foot to the right so I can progress through the aisle. Well, the rather large black woman did not like this & as I finally made my way down the aisle she yells, "HONKEY" at me. I couldn't contain my laughter as I picked up my lunchmeat & bananas. And at least she didn't call me pal. See my first post, if you dont get that joke.

To make this even more entertaining, this was not the first time I have been called this. During my sophomore year in high school, my bus driver, called myself & my group of friends "honkey white crackas" becasue she thought we were in a gang. She was brought to this conclusion due to the fact that when we walked on the bus every day, we would shout, "wud up G?!?!?!?" I think she took the job as a bus driver because she just wasn't qualified enough to work at the law firm.

The rather large black woman

Am I the only one who thinks that holiday decorations have gone way too far? Everywhere I look, there are decorations for every holiday on the calendar. I bring this up because the massive decorating season is upon us.

Halloween is right around the corner & you have adults, grown men & women, who decorate their homes, inside & out, to scare the shit out of 5 year olds. I firmly believe that is their sole purpose. As if dressing up like morons isnt enough.

And there are people who decorate for thanksgiving. This should be punishable by nights in jail. There is no good reason as to why you should hang "turkey lights" from your tree in the front yard. Eat your massive dinner, drink plenty of wine, & you will eventually see turkey lights hanging from the tree in your front yard.

How in the world did the tradition of decorating for christmas begin? I can see this scenario...a guy comes home drunk, cuts down the pine tree in his front yard & he drags it inside. His wife asks, "why are you bringing that into the house?" His response is, "We're gonna decorate it...with candy...for Jesus. And then we're gonna hang a plant from the ceiling & we're gonna kiss under it"...now excuse me while i puke on the sofa"

And who came up with the idea for Easter?.....the people at Hallmark had to have worked hard at this one..."let's see, jesus died & he rose from the dead....how about eggs????....and people will hide them....and their will be rabbits....let's do it!!!!"

Seriousley?!?!?!? Stop it already!!!!

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Olympics, California, & Other Sprinklings

Shock & Awe in the Windy City

The 2016 Olympics will not be coming to Chicago. THANK GOD!

And what is wrong with the people of Chicago? Crying in Daley Plaza?!?!?!? C'mon....in a week where we saw young kids get the crap beat out of them while going to school, you openly weep in Daley Plaza because Chicago isnt getting the 2016 Olympic Games? These people must lead a very good life if this is their biggest concern.

So anyway, i made my first trip to California last week. San Diego & Los Angeles were the locations. And I must say, i enjoyed myself in the land of "fruits & nuts." I flew into San Diego on Monday & stayed at a hotel in the downtown area near the harbor. I didnt have much time to see anything as business was the main priority, though i almost kicked the ass of a bakery shop owner in the Little Italy area for calling me pal...you dont call any guy from Chicago, pal. It constitutes an ass whipping.

After visiting a client in San Diego, I made my way to the Orange County area, but first made a stop in LaJolla at Torrey Pines Golf Club, site of the 2008 U.S. Open where Tiger Woods won on one leg. It was a thrill to see this course and dropped a few bucks in the golf shop....where nobody called me pal.

From there I continued onto Orange County, not before I snapped a few pics of the Pacific Coastline while driving. I would post some of the pics here, but because I was stupid & took the pictures while driving, they didnt turn out very well. Once i got into Orange, CA, i picked up my client & we headed out for some lunch. Vietnamese was the choice & for the first time having it for both of us, we walked away pleased.


From Orange, CA, i made the trek up north to L.A. One thing that Gov. Schwarzenegger should incorporate for the L.A. area & freeway system is the "Adopt a Highway" program that Illinois has. The freeways in L.A. are filthy.


Stayed at the Renaissance Holywood Hotel & Spa. I highly recommend this joint if you're ever in the area.


I was there for a conference that was a huge success for the company I work for & not only had the success of business but also had the success of a celebrity sighting. While in the Marina Del Ray area looking for a place to eat, I was walking down the street when I noticed Anthony Michael Hall sitting on the patio of a sushi joint reading something from his blackberry. Those of you who are too young to know who he is, watch National Lampoons Vacation, he plays Rusty Griswold. In fact, I gave him the "HEY RUSS!" from down the street which constituted a wave back to me on his part....at least he didnt call me pal.

Anthony Michael Hall - today

Anthony Michael Hall - yesterday

So I caught a flight back to Chicago on Friday evening. While sitting in the terminal at LAX to board my flight i looked up for some odd reason & noticed that Jason Segal, star of such movies like "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" & " I Love You Man" walked right by me. I didnt scream anything at him. I also had the pleasure, while on the plane, of sitting next to the 400 pound grandma who was carting her 3 year grand daughter back to Chicago. Luckily I had the aisle seat...you can pretty much figure out the rest from there...pal

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